I am trying to get back into the rhythm of my fortnightly schedule by not sticking rigidly to my Friday publish day. The Flickering Forever on a Friday has an alliterative ring to it, but I’m also experiencing some Fucking Fluctuations in my mental health that don’t really have a schedule, so I just have to write whenever I possibly can. I do prefer to write on a theme but the only common theme of the last couple of weeks has been a swirl of anxiety, so I am just going to pour out what’s in my brain this time.
Ultimately it will be a good thing, but every so often I have these uncomfortable periods of time when I know I need to make changes, that maybe I’ve made a perfect buttprint on the couch that is my life, but I’m not entirely happy on the couch, so why am I sitting stubbornly in the mould when I know I have to move?
Then, of course, when I make those moves, the mere prospect of these changes keep me up at night. All the implications if these changes come into fruition, sacrifices I may have to make, worst case scenarios of situations that don’t exist yet.
It’s also the season when things are about to die and be reborn again and as typical as it sounds, I like to end the year knowing something is going to change, and not in January when the new year has already started running away with me. I had to reevaluate what I want now — what isn’t serving my growth, and taking stock of what is important to me.
I can be nothing but vague about it at this time. I might have updates in a couple of weeks but I might also not. Don’t mind me being infuriating.
Anyway, when I haven’t been jaw clenching and asking Alexa to play rain sounds, I’ve done some fun things over the last few weeks.
![Photos from Halloween and friend's wedding](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fbucketeer-e05bbc84-baa3-437e-9518-adb32be77984.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F343ffc2e-dd62-4b4d-ba7c-b8acb1b876a6_1440x1800.jpeg)
![Photos from Halloween and friend's wedding](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fbucketeer-e05bbc84-baa3-437e-9518-adb32be77984.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F2b1bdcb1-19cc-463b-a719-1bed14a90afa_1440x1800.jpeg)
![Photos from Halloween and friend's wedding](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fbucketeer-e05bbc84-baa3-437e-9518-adb32be77984.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F0671caa8-e00f-416f-b033-7a1edf247720_3024x4032.jpeg)
![Photos from Halloween and friend's wedding](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_720,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fbucketeer-e05bbc84-baa3-437e-9518-adb32be77984.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F5065e91a-c9b4-4627-a811-ff150de9fd62_1440x1800.jpeg)
![Photos from Halloween and friend's wedding](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_720,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fbucketeer-e05bbc84-baa3-437e-9518-adb32be77984.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fc567c110-0213-407a-9a94-d3a1b985cf44_1440x1800.jpeg)
I love Halloween. In the past I’ve been known to go seriously over the top on my costumes. I once dressed as Miss Havisham which involved getting a genuine vintage wedding dress, spray-painting my ringleted hair grey, and attempted to age my baby face with some contouring. Red eyeliner along the waterline to make me look poorly. A pocket watch set to twenty minutes to nine, the exact time Miss Havisham was jilted and the time all the clocks in Satis House are set to in the book. I expected to be horrifying but mostly drunk people were asking me if I’d be their wife, so maybe I’m just too wholesome to be fearsome.
This year, my sexy devil look seemed a bit generic in comparison but I wanted to celebrate the body confidence I’ve found over the last few years with something skin tight and shiny. I still made an effort with my devil accessories, pink makeup and red stilettos.
Dan and I also had the pleasure of attending my friend Paul’s wedding in Sheffield. He and his wife Lucy looked amazing, as did our friends and all the guests. We all had to wear sequins and sparkles, which was beautiful - especially as it was on bonfire night and we had a firework display.
In the lead-up to Christmas, there are a handful of things I’m excited about and a handful of things I’m absolutely dreading, but if I keep a healthy routine and plenty of things to look forward to, I think I will just about stay sane. When I feel a shift coming, my nervous system goes haywire, and no amount of therapy is going to change that, so I’m riding that wave and hoping for the best.
Here are some things I want to achieve in my personal time:
Make more time for mental self care. For me, this includes reading and writing poetry, which I’ve neglected. I read through some of my old poems and marvelled at the fact I am actually not shit, so I’ll be picking this up again.
Continue on with the no alcohol thing. I don’t exactly have a daily drinking habit or anything, but just to help with levelling out my mood and keeping a consistent routine, I want as few things throwing me off as possible. Does anyone have a really good 0% mulled wine recipe that doesn’t include an expensive 0% wine?
Stretching. I’m getting crunchy.
Killer Sally, which is the most recent (non-trash) thing I’ve watched. My own gym is focused on bikini bodybuilders, so I am fascinated by that world. I have yet to finish the series, but it is interesting to watch a documentary that includes the subject narrating the events in their own words.
This incredible mix CD my dad made my mum in the early 2000s which has been sitting in my car for weeks, and which got us through some significant delays on the M25.
Too many things all at once, clearly, and annoying a small group of people about it.
On this crisp Sunday I plan to do mostly nothing, sip a CBD drink, go to a gig and hopefully exhaust myself enough to sleep better.
I hope you have gorgeous Sunday plans yourselves, and see you with a topic in mind next time.
Forever,
💌
Lau.