Staggeringly, I haven’t written since February.
When life’s challenges become intense, I consider private journal entries an essential and because I write for my job, any extra personal writing means I really have my shit together. By no means have I had a lack of other flowers to water, but it seems I don’t quite have my shit together.
Most significantly, I suppose, I started a burlesque course in London and I turned 30. When I put it like that, it sounds like those things are related, but I promise it’s not a turning-30 crisis move. I’ve subtly wanted to be a burlesque dancer without knowing it my whole life, with it only intensifying last year when I joined the troupe and went on that journey of rediscovering my lapsed dancerhood, and realising this particular troupe wasn’t supporting my lofty and ridiculous goals and taking other steps.
Prior to that, I look back on my life and memories come to mind. Making choreography on the surrounding banks of the school playground with my friends when I was 8 or 9. Choreographing a routine to ‘Candyman’ by Christina Aguilera when I was 16 or 17 with two of my friends for a local talent show - complete with sailor outfits, fishnets and red lipstick and altogether too raunchy and inappropriate for my age. Discovering Twin Peaks through my parents when I was 18 and swooning over the 50s-revival glamour of it all. Obsessing over Marilyn Monroe for I don’t know how many years. Taking an acting class a few years ago to get over my fear of making a fool of myself. Pole dancing as a hobby and starting to go to more cabaret shows - including the inimitable Glamonatrix by Dita Von Teese, which is really what ignited the fire like a portable barbecue on parched grass.
And so after deciding I want to seriously pursue burlesque dancing as a soloist, I found the most amazing teacher in London who I’ve been going to, well, pretty much since I stopped writing. I now have a month away from it which I’ll use to:
Work on my fitness which has lapsed
Eat less chaotically
Develop my first solo burlesque concept and choreograph
Gradually collect costume pieces for what I envision
Finalise my music choice
Then in July, I begin my performance course which ends with a showcase and hopefully begins, well, performing!
When I was thinking about what I could possibly offer today during a scattered and difficult time personally, I went through some old poems of mine and picked out this.
I think in the context of my passions, the language in this poem perfectly represents my visual hunger for even small aspects of glamour. I think it also communicates the ‘idgaf’ attitude I’ve developed over the years from learning that trying to be normal (whatever normal even means) has never made me immune from judgement. It’s important to develop your self esteem and if like most of us you have to do things every day for necessity, find moments in your day to focus on what fills you with joy.
And on that note, I’m going to get back to the things I have to do out of necessity and work on getting my shit just a little bit more together.
Forever,
💌
Lau.